The secret vows
by BBCkilledthejoy
Summary: It's about S05E13 so naturally it's angsty. Arthur thinks about his relationship with Merlin, about what they had. Leave reviews please


There are thousands upon thousands of different love stories. Some start with immediate attraction to each other, others begin from hatred. They are different in so many ways but at the same time they are very similar. Every love story has an ending. Always a happy one an optimist would say. Always a sad one pessimist would disagree. Frankly it's none of the above. Love stories, real love stories, don't have endings. Even after death you just carry on loving that one person, no matter what.

This one was so much different from any other love story you ever heard. It's not because it was about two men. No. It was different because it was the clearest, the most forgiving, self-less love story ever told. There were no kisses and most definitely no romantic love making under the stars or even simple hand holding. Yet still two people from different worlds and at first sight so so different from each other just clicked together. This is a story of Prince Arthur and his manservant, his friend, his love Merlin. What was so incredible about this love was the sheer need. Sheer need to be together, to save each other, to do anything in their power and beyond it not to let each other down, not to let any harm come. Merlin would drink poison, jump in front of an arrow, risk being executed for who he is just to see Arthur safe. Arthur in return would defy his father, the only family he has, he would climb mountains, he would lie to save Merlin. And the most incredible thing is that they never expected, never wanted any credit for what they've done. They never lay together gazing into each other's eyes, they never expressed they love nor in physical, nor in verbal way and yet they knew. Arthur knew he could trust Merlin with everything, he knew his loyalty was beyond imagination and growing in a castle, being kings son it was such a precious gift. Real friendship. When you were a prince nobody told you the truth and talked behind your back in hushed voices. You could never be weak in front of others - that lesson Arthur learned first handed when he was just a little boy. It was incredulous, indescribable to finally have someone you are not afraid to be yourself with. Someone you can share your darkest fears and secrets as well as joy. In ill and health, in good and bad. It was like they had a vow between them, sacred vows bonding them together, something similar to marriage but it was more genuine. A husband can cheat on his wife, they can lie to each other or grow bored with each other. But not in Merlin's and Arthur's case. It was a bonding of true love that didn't need any words any promises, it was like their hearts were tied together with an invisible rope and when they were too far from each other the pulling in their chests would become too much, too painful. They would never speak of it, how could they?!, but they both knew it, they both felt it. The bond was so strong, so undeniable that they could feel when one of them was in trouble or when something was bothering one of them. At first they both thought it was destiny. The dragon told them it was destiny. The dragon was a creature from old religion so he could never be wrong. But oh how wrong he was. His biggest fault was that he was cold, calculating, he never took into consideration what real trust and friendship could do. Both Arthur and Merlin felt that there was something more, something beyond destiny. Yet again they never talked about it. Arthurs father hated magic with all his might but Arthur simply didn't share his hatred towards it. Now, that he knows, he thinks that he always secretly knew, maybe not knew but felt magic in Merlin, and how can one hate something that is so pure and perfect as Merlin? Now that he lies on Merlin's legs he feels dizzy. He knows it's over but he clings to Merlin with all the strength he has left. It's not that he's afraid to die. Well he is actually but not for the same reasons he was afraid before, before Merlin. Arthur is afraid to die because it will cause pain to Merlin and he doesn't want hurting Merlin to be the last thing he's ever done, so he stares. He stares into Merlin's green sad eyes which are flowing with tears and he can't help but smile. If he has to go this is the way to do it. He touches Merlin's cheek catching one of the tears with his finger.

"Hold me. Please" he never in his life pleaded for something but this felt right. Merlin deserved to be treated like royalty. Arthur always knew he was the brave one, the just one of them. It gave Arthur hope. It gave him hope that Merlin will recover, that he will be happy again. Arthur doesn't want to strip him of his life, he desperately wants Merlin to say, to give a promise, swear with his honour to be happy. But he thinks again and knows it's too much to ask. If he was in Merlin's position he would smash the whole world around him before moving on, not only because he wouldn't be able to do it but because he simply wouldn't want to. So he does one thing that he can: caresses Merlin's cheek catching more tears on his face before they go down and disappear in that ridiculous red scarf of his. He smiles:

"I... I want to say something I've never said to you before" here it is. The first time he's going to phrase those secret vows. To tell them out loud. It feels right. Merlin has the right to hear it. Suddenly Arthur feels like just feeling it is no longer enough. He feels Merlin going numb underneath him. He knows, he knows what Arthur is about to say and what is it? Merlin's face goes softer, his eyes raw with pain. Arthur hopes upon hope that he isn't hurting him even more but he must say it. He wants it to be the last thing he's ever done and by far the most important.

"Thank you" is all he vocalizes while cupping the back of Merlin's neck. Arthur feels dumb struck. It's not what he wanted to say, it's not right but he can't find the right words. All the words fail him. It feels likes there's no word, no sentence in English language to describe what they had. Have. All the thoughts and feelings are swarming around his head so fast and he feels that the pain is retreating, he knows it's the end. He feels sudden panic rising in his chest. He must tell Merlin how he feels, he must. He turns his panicked gaze towards Merlin's tear stained face and he sees it. Merlin, his Merlin, his friend understands him. He understands all the meaning, all those unspoken feelings, undone things and gestures behind that little 'thank you'. He feels sudden wave of relief rushing over his whole body, his eye lids now to heavy to keep his eyes open, to keep his gaze on Merlin, his beautiful Merlin. He closes them. Arthur feels so tired, so worn out. He knows that they say you feel cold before you die, but he doesn't. He feels warmer than ever before and he wonders if it is because Merlin is here. He's here with him, with Arthur. He hears panic, pain and disbelief when Merlin's lips for the last time caresses one word, one name before the world goes dark and silent.


End file.
